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Flirting Body Language:
How To Use Mirroring


lirting body language can be dissected in great detail (and some pundits do exactly that) but it's simply not necessary to get caught up in minute details. After all, rarely -- if ever -- will the fine points contradict the conclusions you can draw just from looking at the "big picture".

Let's illustrate this with an exaggerated example: Suppose you start chatting up a woman and you notice that she's using the following flirting body language:

  • Her facial expression shows disgust and irritation,
  • Her left hand is giving you "the finger",
  • Her right hand is holding up a can of Mace pointed at your face, and
  • Her right index finger is pressing the spray button
flirting body language and the importance of mirroring
Flirting body language and
the importance of mirroring

It doesn't take an Einstein to correctly guess that she's not into you. You don't need to look at 20 or 30 more elements of flirting body language at that point. If they would have led you to the same conclusion, then they're redundant. And if they would have led you to a different conclusion, then they're wrong.

However, there's one subtle flirting body language technique that's very useful to acquire and that's something called "mirroring". We didn't invent that concept, of course: it's long been known and extensively practiced in sales and negotiation.

“… if you've been mirrored skillfully before, you wouldn't have realized it …”

And because flirting involves elements of both selling and negotiating, mirroring is also quite useful when pursuing attractive women.

Mirroring is actually very simple: the person doing the mirroring will subtly match some of the mannerisms of the person being mirrored. Some examples would include adopting:

  • A similar posture
  • A similar tone of voice
  • A similar speaking cadence
  • A similar facial expression
  • Similar hand gestures, and so on ...

If you've been mirrored skillfully before, you wouldn't have realized it, but chances are that you found the person mirroring you to seem a bit more "likeable" than you would have otherwise.

By way of example, if you've ever negotiated with an experienced car salesman, then you will have exposed to skillful mirroring.

Why does it work?

Because we've evolved to find people similar to ourselves to be more likeable than people who are radically different from ourselves. And mirroring is a subtle way to seem a bit more similar to the person being mirrored.

Women will often mirror reflexively when flirting with a guy they've just met. It comes naturally to them. If you've ever chatted up a new girl and she laughed at any unusually lame jokes you told, that's one method of mirroring you. She subtly indicated that you and she had a very similar sense of humor.

Whether she really did find the jokes funny doesn't really matter. Even just acting as if she did will still be enough to sway you to see her as being more likeable than if she had instead groaned and said "What a pathetic joke!" to each one.

So should you worry if
you notice the woman you're
chatting up is mirroring you?

So should you worry if you notice the woman you're chatting up is mirroring you? Not at all. All it means is that she wants you to like her, so relax and enjoy it!

The value in knowing this flirting body language tactic is you being able to do the same in return. For flirtation to progress, she simply has to like you and this is a way for you to nudge her in that direction.

The key to doing it effectively is to be subtle about it.

“… the key to doing it effectively is to be subtle about it …”

You needn't mirror every mannerism and gesture, as that would be too noticeable and you could be perceived as mocking her. (If you ever had a little brother who would follow you around repeating everything you said (verbatim) when you were kids, then you'll remember how quickly overt mirroring can become very annoying).

If your mirroring looks mechanical, you'll fare badly. But if it's subtle and seems spontaneous and natural, you'll do much better. A little mirroring goes a long way, so don't overdo it.

We have more to say about flirting body language here and also here , but for other advice on improving your flirting game, please continue to the main

Flirting Tips For Guys page.