Flirting For Guys:
Some Core Concepts
ost men we've met would consider flirting for guys to be a odd topic for discussion. After all, men see flirting as something that women do, presumably just to pass the time and amuse themselves. They see the male role in courtship as being far more results-oriented: picking up women and (hopefully) bedding them.
And so if you've considered the flirting for guys issue at all, you almost certainly think like most of your male competition. You approach courtship as an efficiency expert would approach a workplace process:
- "How can I do more with less?"
- "How can I cut steps out of the process?"
- "How can I get from here to there more efficiently?"
- "How can I close the deal more quickly?"
Flirting for guys:
play the game
In other words they (and possibly you) are thinking of accelerated fast flirting (a.k.a speed seduction) and not genuine flirting where things move less promptly.
But here's the thing ... It's safe to say that men normally don't see a crystal clear connection between flirting for guys and getting laid. And so many guys consider the traditional flirting ritual to be largely a waste of time.
But men who adopt that attitude also tend to get laid a lot less often than they'd like.
These two items are strongly correlated. That's because women are the gate-keepers for sex. They set the ground rules. They determine who gets in and who doesn't.
And to women, flirting is a big deal. We've heard several women make the following comment over the years (after a man suggests that they "cut through the games and move on to the main event"):
"You can't score if you
don't play the game"
So let's consider why flirting for guys matters so much by using a different metaphor with which you're much more familiar: recruiting and hiring.
The last time you looked for a job, was it a quick process? Probably not. It dragged on for quite a while, we're guessing. And what's more, the better the job, the more effort that the hiring company devoted to the recruiting and hiring process, right?
Here's a rough outline of how it all works:
- The open position will either be publicized or (in the case of the really high-level positions) passed on to a headhunter for more discreet recruiting.
- They'll solicit résumés and accompanying cover letters.
- Then they'll weed the stack of résumés down to the most interesting 2% or 3%.
- After that they'll schedule interviews.
- Then they'll follow up with more interviews for the "finalists".
- And finally they'll check references before giving the green light to the winning candidate.
Job searches are
similar to flirting
That's quite a journey and to maximize your chances of success, you almost certainly started off by spending a lot of time perfecting your résumé. And then you prepared for the subsequent interviews: you figured out how to dress for the occasion, what to say, what not to say, what mannerisms to adopt, what mannerisms to avoid and so on.
You jumped through hoops one after the other. Not because you really enjoyed it (who does?) but because that's the ritual required for you to land a good-paying job with promotion potential. Jumping through hoops and getting the job are a package deal.
And here's where you can apply lessons learned from job-hunting to developing more effective flirting techniques: for women looking for a new mate, the art of flirting for guys is (to her) similar to recruiting and hiring.
After all, there are likely many men who would be interested in bedding her, but some would be better catches than others. And she can't bed them all (at least, most women won't take all comers!) so she'll also winnow down the list of applicants to a much more manageable size.
She'll do that by flirting with guys. That's because for women, flirting is a preliminary job interview which determines whether that guy will move on to the next stage of courtship (an actual date). So even though it may seem to you that flirting is just idle chit-chat, it isn't. (Check out this article to recognize the signs that she's flirting with you in the first place.)
What will she be looking
to learn about you?
Many things, such as:
- Are you relaxed
- Are you confident
- Do you have a soft touch with people
or are you abrasive?
- Do you seem comfortable around her
or do you seem afraid of her?
- Do you seem empathetic
or do you seem self-centered?
- Do you seem like a fun guy
or are you a stick in the mud?
- Do you seem focused
or are you drifting aimlessly?
- How well educated are you?
- What do you do for a living?
- Are you already married or in a serious relationship?
while chatting with you about seemingly nothing important, she'll be making her initial judgment as to how interesting (and available) you are
In other words, while chatting with you about seemingly nothing important, she'll be making her initial judgment as to how interesting (and available) you are as well as how well you and she click.
Normally women will just ask you about your education, occupation and marital status, but even there they'll second-guess you. Are you wearing a wedding band? Is your skin color is slightly lighter where a wedding band would normally be worn (indicating that you do wear one but took it off recently, perhaps so you can prowl?). Like a skilled detective, women are looking for useful clues.
But they won't ask you directly about your fine qualities (e.g. "Are you a fun guy?") since they know that you'll give whatever answer you think they're looking for. So instead they'll try to figure those answers out themselves, by observation. This is exactly the same process used by prospective employers in an actual job interview.
Successful flirting for guys
The bottom line here is that you'll get better results with women if you take flirting for guys seriously. So why not approach flirting as you would a job interview?
To help you organize yourself, we have many effective tips on flirting for guys which can be applied to almost any flirting scenario. This includes flirting psychology, which two types of women not to flirt with, as well as the lessons that Hollywood can teach you about flirting for guys.
We also teach you what to say when you meet her, the importance of subtle flirting, and simple ways to read body language.
And if you're still unsure of whether or not she's flirting with you, read our two articles on flirting signs here and here, an article on female body language when flirting and also how to interpret the likely responses she'll give when you try to get to know her.
And one last item of helpful advice about flirting for guys we provide is how women justify their own so-called harmless flirting. Happy reading!
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