Some Truths About
Lying In Relationships
ost people we've known (both male and female) consider lying in relationships to be a very bad thing. As a result, they rank honesty very highly on their "must have" list when deciding what personal traits they require in a prospective mate.
The chances are good that this would describe you as well. But do you really want a totally honest relationship? Are you sure? You may think you do, but trust us on this one: you wouldn't enjoy it if you were in a totally honest relationship.
But honesty? Don't be too sure. Lying in relationships is absolutely necessary, as we'll soon prove to you.
We all have wish lists for what we want in a partner. But the reality is that some items will be mutually exclusive with others.
Maintaining harmony by
lying in relationships
For example, would you prefer someone very attractive? Sexy? Personable? Fun to be with? Unless you're a highly unusual guy, yes of course! Why settle for a moose if you can get a gazelle, after all?
But let's look at some other traits that are likely to be on your list. Would you prefer someone who only has eyes for you? Who won't fool around on the side when you're not there? Who won't dress provocatively to attract male attention? We'll bet you said yes to those ones too.
But guess what? An attractive, sexy, personable, fun-to-be-with woman is not going to spend the remainder of her life being oblivious to other men around her once she hooks up with you.
Women simply aren't wired that way
If she's savvy:
- She'll tone it down when she's with you (so that you won't see her flirting with other men ... or worse!)
- She'll also neglect to mention it later if she's courting male attention when you're not around.
- If you ask her specifically, she'll assure you that she'd never do such a thing and that she only has eyes for you.
“… she'd be stupid not to lie about it …”
She'd be stupid not to lie about it, after all. There's no other way for her to reconcile her biological needs (to court male attention, in this case) and your sensitivities about that behavior. That's why women are so prone to lying in relationships. They have to lie.
We can't handle the truth.
If you don't believe it, let's put the shoe on the other foot by envisioning this scenario: You've headed down to the mall alone, and while walking through the parking lot you spot an attractive, leggy young lady wearing a flimsy mini-skirt. And at just at that moment a quick gust of wind abruptly lifts her skirt above her waist.
Would you politely avert your eyes because you already have a wife or girlfriend at home? If you answered with an emphatic "Yes!", then you're lying through your teeth. And every guy within at least 200 feet looked too. We've never seen otherwise.
We're wired that way, after all.
Lying in relationships
for long term happiness
But ... would you tell your mate later about having done so? Nope. Why start a fight when lying is a far safer and less stressful choice?
And now let's look at an even more basic reality. You've heard of the rating scale for grading women from one to ten based on their attractiveness and desirability to men. How would you rate in terms of your appeal to women? Unless you look like an Armani model and have $100 million in the bank, then you're not a ten. Let's split the difference and call you a "five". You're an "average guy" for the purposes of this example.
So how good a woman
will you be able to attract?
Other things being equal, perhaps she'll be a "five" also. And so that's the girl who becomes your mate.
The hard truth is that neither one of you aspired to end up with a "five". That is, if both Miss Universe and a husky female construction worker were both trying to win your heart, which would you have picked? And if both you and the hottest movie star in Hollywood were both wooing her, who would she pick?
And if you're in bed with your mate (who rates a "five", hypothetically), would you close your eyes and fantasize about another "five"? Nope, you'll be fantasizing about Miss Universe or another woman who's closer to a "ten" than to a "five". And of course you'll lie about it if she asks you what you're thinking about. (Hence the "value" of lying in relationships!)
That's the harsh reality
You weren't your mate's first choice and she wasn't yours. But to make the relationship work, you both have to pretend otherwise.
There's no other way. If there were no lying in relationships, there'd be no relationships at all. They wouldn't last more than a day or two.
So if you're in a relationship (or someday get into one), she'll most definitely lie to you:
- Ask her how many men she's been in bed with before you and she'll lie. She may drop a zero (or even two!) off the end of the number ... she may just count long-term boyfriends ... and she'll certainly not count the one-night stands.
- Ask her who was the best she's ever had and (if she says you) that's also almost certainly a lie. Chances are extremely high that she's had the occasional "wild weekend" in her younger days that was far more erotic - and orgasmic - than "normal relationship sex" with the same guy month after month after month.
- And if she says "I've never done that before", this is also almost certainly a lie. Yes, she's done "that" before!
But do you really want to know that she's been with over 200 men before you? Or that the best she's ever had was a professional basketball player whose "package" was twice the size of yours?
and relationships need the fantasy to stay alive
Knowing the truth about some things would kill the fantasy. And relationships need the fantasy to stay alive.
Rather than (futilely) trying to find a mate who isn't prone to lying in relationships, you'll be happier if you can accept reality: lying in relationships is universal. Because it has to be.
So why agonize about lying in relationships? It's a better strategy to focus instead on how well your mate actually treats you when you're together. After all, that's all you can know for sure.
Please return to the top of this
cheating or lying in relationships page continue to our main Relationship Advice For Men page for additional tips.